The Meaning of Life and Other Vegetables

Hello everyone.

I am no psychologist, or anything like, or any kind of expert (arguably, in anything). I know that one million and one books have been written about guilt and shame, or at least have these topics briefly discussed in them. Most likely, what I’m about to write here is also mentioned in some of those books, or in podcasts, TED talks, YouTube videos and wherenot. But to me it seems useful, so I’d like to share nonetheless, with whoever had been living under a rock, like me.

Side note: Guilt and shame are not one thing. Maybe they don’t even have to be tied together, objectively. But for some reason, they seem to be bundled together frequently. In the current context, I find it useful.

So – several weeks ago I came across this refreshing approach to guilt and shame.

Being guilty is a matter of fact. Either you are guilty, or you’re not. You might feel guilty even when you are not in fact guilty; I don’t really have any advice on how to deal with that, other than saying you shouldn’t (and I realise that’s not very helpful). However, as per the below, it’s fairly easy to find out whether you are guilty (as opposed to feeling guilty in disconnect with the facts). This is no small feat; once you determine whether you are guilty or not, you can address it, and perhaps find some relief.

What constitutes being guilty?

You are guilty when your choice has caused someone or something harm. To cause harm, an action has to exist in the real world. It doesn’t have to be grand. It can be a spoken word, or even just a gesture. But it has to be an action, and it has to be in the real world. Unless you believe in telepathy, telekinesis and the likes, thoughts don’t constitute action in the real world. Thoughts might indirectly drive actions in the real world; but until they have done so, they don’t qualify (more accurately – even at that stage they don’t qualify, in themselves; it’s the action that qualifies).

[At this point I must note that all of the above applies within the “traditional” Spacetime universe, which most of us are certain we live in. In the abstract reality universe I’ve been discussing in this blog at some length, there is no clear distinction between “thoughts” and “actions”. In that kind of universe, “thoughts” could most likely cause harm in a rather direct way. I will leave the discussion about that situation to another time / post.]

If you are guilty, according to the above definition, you might feel shame. This is mostly a healthy response. You feel negatively about something that you caused out of your own choice. It is not about something inherent to you (as in “you are bad” or “less-than”), or something you could not change. Rather, you had options, you chose one, you took action, and someone / something suffered the consequences.

It’s a healthy feeling, because you might be able to do something about it. Maybe you can fix it. Maybe not to the full extent, but to some extent. Even if you can’t undo it, maybe you can apologize, maybe even make amends. If you can’t fix it at all, can’t make amends and can’t apologize, at least you will have gone through the process of acknowledging and owning your choice, in the face of its consequences, and you’d be able to tell yourself honestly that you’ve gone over the options currently available to you, and can’t do any better than you’ve already done. Not true? You actually still can do something? Go ahead and do it. This is what shame is there for – to be your nagging companion, all the way home.

If – on the other hand – you are not guilty; if you haven’t taken voluntary action in the real world that caused harm to someone or something; there is no real reason to feel guilty, or to feel shame. Not only it will be unproductive, it is most likely to be destructive. The reason is that the shame you are feeling is attached to something that is inherent to you; to something you can’t, and couldn’t, change. If it’s not your own making, why would you own any shame about it? Another possibility is that the shame you are feeling is attached to something purely internal to your mind, that is not affecting anyone and anything in the real world.

Well… the last statement is not always 100% accurate. A thought with no effect in the real (external) world can still affect you. It can cause YOU harm, strictly speaking. Is that a reason to feel guilt? Maybe, if you recognize that this is happening, and you let it keep happening without contemplation on what’s going on here, why it’s happening, and whether anything can be done to change it. In that case, a similar approach to shame could apply. If you feel shame about having thoughts that are damaging you (and only you), in some way, it is nothing but a reminder: Can I do better? How? Have I exhausted my options?

Other than that, I think that thoughts that don’t drive action in the real world, and don’t quite clearly damage you internally, can not confer guilt. Anything goes. Really. Go ahead and think whatever dark thoughts that you like thinking. The time for editing is when those thoughts are about to check out from your mind and check into the real world. Until that point, let them party! With one exception, as above – don’t allow them to trash the room.

Anything else would be thought policing yourself. Go there only if you’d like to have your own version of 1984 inside your head.

Last, a reminder: Wherever there’s no guilt, there’s also no room for shame. Those “rogue” thoughts you have, that don’t lead to actions in the real world, and don’t clearly harm you, do not make you guilty. Hence, why would you need to be ashamed of them?

That’s about it. Peace to all.