The Meaning of Life and Other Vegetables

Imagine this: You meet someone new. You don’t know the person yet, but quickly an initial impression forms. Then, over time, you might get to know more of them. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not. Sometimes it’s a slow process, sometimes a quick one. So far, I said nothing new.

So, now you know the person to an extent, or at least this is how you feel. You might like that person to some degree (note: Like is a key word in this concept). Suppose we could quantify it – say, you like that person “75%”. By that I mean you like 75% of what you know about that person and of how you perceive them (it doesn’t have to be conscious; let’s just take it as ”raw data” that simply exists).

Now, you have a choice how to go about the remainder (25% in this example), the part that you don’t like.  Again, all of this can be completely subconscious. Essentially, you see a person in front of you, and you respond to the whole person; but a part of your response relates to the 75% you like, and another part relates to the part you don’t like. Together, without you being aware (and most likely without even a real separation between those components), those response components generate your sentiment, and your response, towards that person.

Who didn’t have these thoughts? “I really like X. What I like about him/her most is A, B & C; but he/she also has D & E!… I wish he/she didn’t… That would have been so much better!” (…and then, so many times, we go to work to try to change, fine tune, or “adjust” them… but that’s another topic).

The truth is we have a choice. We can instinctively deal with the person (both the likes and the dislikes) as-is; or we can make a conscious decision to accept the part we don’t like (note: Accept is also a key word in this concept). Obviously, there is no need to decide to “accept” the part that we like. That happens naturally.

I feel that the model above is very useful in understanding how most friendships work: You meet someone, and if at some point the part you like is big enough, you will tend to befriend them. Whether or not you become friends also depends on how much they like of you, of course… Additionally, this way of thinking allows for a continuum – various levels of liking accommodate various levels of friendship, in a proportional way.

Following through with this, friendship never goes beyond relying on the part you like, and “begrudgingly”, maybe not even fully-consciously, putting up with the remainder. You might meet someone whom you “like 97% of”. For simplicity, let’s assume that that person also likes a very big part of you. In that case, it would be very easy to befriend – you would naturally enjoy interacting or spending time together, and want to do it more, and more often. The “spiteful” 3% would not have a big effect; most likely you won’t even think about that part most of the time.

But what if you only like 60% of the person?… Naturally, the connection will be less intense, it will be less fun, and you will tend to spend less time together, though you might still think of that person as “a friend” (at some level).

So, where does love come into play?

Earlier I wrote that we each have a choice how to go about the part we don’t like. We can choose to accept it, in all it’s glory. Not ignore it, not just acknowledge it, but wholeheartedly accept it: “This is different from me, maybe alien to me, maybe it scares or repulses me, and yet I embrace it because the only way to grow is through interaction with the Other.” Selfish? Maybe. But that’s no different to friendship, as described above – super-selfish. And… maybe acceptance of the other is not that selfish after all, because in allowing ourselves closeness with the Other, we also give them the opportunity for growth (we can be their Other).

Yes, no doubt it’s easier to love someone you like a lot. If all there is to accept is 3% of the person, surely it’s not such a hard task. But regardless, love is always a conscious choice – whether you choose to accept 3%, or 30%, or… almost the whole person (whom you’d instinctively reject). That’s right – you can choose to love ANYONE. Ask Mother Teresa (if you can communicate with her; please say hi for me).

If I’m right, you can even choose to love your enemy. Not in a “romantic” / Hollywoodish, shallow, fake way; but simply in the sense that you ACCEPT exactly that which you don’t like, and you do so because you realise the transformative power of such a choice. Transformative for you, and – if enough of us made that choice (just imagine…) – transformative for the world.

Following this line of thought, the expression “unconditional love” becomes meaningless, almost ridiculous. Of course love is unconditional! If you pose conditions, you’re not accepting, and hence it’s not love. Every real love is unconditional (but oh, how few of us really practice it!). The opposite of it – the conditional affiliation – is the liking component in any friendship. That’s why you instinctively befriend that person and not another – it’s because some conditions have been met. It doesn’t require that this would be conscious. You don’t carry around a checklist of attributes, for qualifying potential friends. You don’t, because that list lives in your subconscious, and intuitively you DO examine most people around you (hopefully you are aware of that at least some of the time), and some you befriend, and some you don’t.

What about the parent-child love?… Checks perfectly. Anyone who is a parent, and is capable of honest reflection, knows that there are big parts in our children that we like (or are proud of, or are content with), but certainly there are also parts we don’t like. I believe most of us wholeheartedly accept the latter, whether we are fully aware of that process or not, and that’s BECAUSE we are their parents – no other universal reason to take that path – and THAT IS LOVE. We love them not because they are exactly how we’ve wished they’d be; but because we choose to, and we so choose because we are their parents. To some degree, I’d even say the same applies back from the child’s perspective; it becomes clearer and clearer as we grow up and mature, and our parents’ flaws and shortcomings become more apparent and more “annoying”. Do all parents love all their children? Do all children love their parents? Certainly not. But that doesn’t diminish the argument – love is a CHOICE, and that means some people will choose differently. Either way, those who choose to love do it not because it’s fun or easy; but simply because they chose to, and whatever that choice brings them is love.

Another test case – What about the patriot war veteran who says “I love my country”, despite all the horrors and hardships they’ve been exposed to in the name of that country, and the personal price they paid? Checks as well. Most likely the war veteran is sobered up, and can see that his country is not perfect. Some might even feel betrayed by their country, who in some cases does not support them as it should. And yet, the veteran accepts the parts that they don’t like, on top of liking the parts that they do, simply because they choose to. Love is an act of choice.

…which leads me to – “Falling in love”.

“He/she swept me off my feet…”

Doesn’t sound like much of a choice, right? Well, that’s part of my point. The “love” we see in Hollywood movies and hear about in pop love songs is not really love. “Falling in love” is more like falling in lust. Switching off. Regressing. But that’s for another day.

Peace to all.

Did you know…? There are more posts in this blog than are presented to you right now. It’s an attribute of the template which I can’t change.
How to see all of them?
Click on the header – the bold “The Meaning of Life and Other Vegetables” at the top. You’ll get a list (which is not complete either), with a button at the bottom to access the next list, and so on. Those go all the way back to my first post in this blog.
Enjoy Reading!